I’m nearing the end of the mainstream educational part of my life and it is the most exciting part of my life so far, after I lost my hymen but the situations are similar. Not knowing what will happen next, uncertain if I’m doing the right or made the right choices and praying to God that I don’t make a fool of myself. Exactly like when I lost my hymen. I’ve set my plans in motion and am battling between playing my cards close to my chest or answering a lot of hard questions. You know the type. “What are you going to do next?”, “What are your plans for the future?” et cetera, et cetera.
People will always ask you what’s next in your life. They mean well and I know that they care for me but I despise being interrogated. I usually opt for a polite smile and a shrug instead of “Chill bitch, I’ve got this,” which is the answer I really want to give. Being blessed with the opportunity to gain a university education makes me an incredibly lucky person but just because someone hands you something good doesn’t mean you have to take it. From now if someone hands me something that I do not want then I have to have the courage to say No and if it’s forced down my throat then I will spit it back up all over who gave it to me.Truth is I’m only doing a degree because I feel I must. Because society (damn I love blaming society) told me its the only way to secure my future. Sacrifice the present for the future. Completely opposite of how society treats our big blue friend’s very finite resources. My best years are behind me and all I’ve got to show is 20 odd years of thought standardisation.
Okay that’s not entirely true. I have a great life full of love and happiness and it would be downright ungrateful of me not to point out as such. But I am human, and the human condition compels me to seek more. More what? Definitely not more stuff. I don’t earn my own money (not yet anyway) and everything I have I got from my parents. I am forever grateful for everything they’ve done for me but I’m damn sure its time I found my own way.
I don’t want a 9-5. My soul will burn with the fury of a thousand screaming stars if that’s the life I’m destined to live. But what choices do I have? I’ve got to eat right; or do I? What would make me happier? Spunking out tome after tome of gold studded literature, or having three meals a day? Recently I discovered that the less I create, the more I consume. What I want vs what I need.
Okay, a few meals; I can handle that. If I’m as a good a writer as I believe I am (and I fucking am) then I should be able to write well enough to get some money to pick up some chapos and ndengu once a day. Maybe even a plate of fries if I’m feeling like I deserve a reward. I can starve for a day or two if I need to buy a new writing pad or pen.
Okay, what about a roof over my head? I sincerely believe that my father’s worst fear for me is living off him till the day they die, then squandering the inheritance. Sounds like fun, but the 9-5 is more appealing. Anyone who’s ever read a Lee Child book can appreciate the simplicity in Jack Reacher’s life. He just roams around America with nothing but what he has on his back and in his pockets, taking names and kicking bad guy ass. He lives off his army pension and pays for motel rooms and buys new clothes every other week and eats at local dinners with steady streams of coffee. Sounds like expensive living but can you compare that to dropping crap-loads of cash every month on mortgages, utility bills and phone bills and expensive gadgets just to go do the same boring thing at the same boring desk every day? At least Reacher gets to see the real uncommercialised beauty of the American county. He sees somewhere new every week.
Wheels. I gotta have wheels right? How else am I gonna get to where I need to go? Well I can walk for one. Got back to my hood in Karen after 9 months in the concrete jungle and I haven’t been able to stop walking around. Walking to friend’s houses and bars that I’d always believed to be too far away for ‘number 11’ and walking just for the sake of walking. I noticed now so much beauty around me that I previously took for granted. I’ve lived in this area for over 9 years and it never looked so good until I learned to open my eyes. Whenever I had somewhere to be, I always thought about the destination rather than the journey….my eyes constantly glued to the never-ending road, never stopping appreciate the quiet dominance of the trees swaying in the wind or taking a second to make eye contact with complete strangers just to remind them (and myself) that we are not alone.
What about love? I don’t think I’d go very far without love. I’ve been blessed with plenty of it in my life, I just never really stopped to appreciate it. Love is everywhere. It’s not just about finding it, but also letting it find you. Love is especially hard to find if fear rules your life. Contrary to popular belief, opposites don’t always attract. When it comes to energy frequencies, like attracts like. ‘Reality’ is really just energy pretending to be matter (what’s the matter?). Almost a century ago we entered the quantum age but we’re still running on Newtonian (18th century) beliefs. People will always recognise that person in the room who oozes love vibrations like an over-soaked sponge. More often than not all it takes is taking the time to look up and appreciate what and who is around you. Once in a while you need to take your eyes off the bouncing ball and see what else is going on. Does seeing/making someone else smile make you smile too?
think there’s something else I need? Or what is it you think you need?