When we’re together she the most annoying thing on the planet. I still love her and want her in my life but I can’t handle being in a relationship. I’m not sure what it is. I think I’m too selfish. Or too much of a loner. Or narcissistically self-destructive. Whatever the reason, life seams like a pain when we’re together.
It’s not her fault. I know it’s me. I’m a shit boyfriend. I don’t take her out, I barely spend time with her and when I do I spend half of that time trying to get her clothes off. I don’t buy her gifts or flowers even though I know she’s the kind of girl who loves those kind of gestures. That’s where the selfishness comes in. If I know what she wants then why don’t I just give it to her? Is it because she won’t go all the way with me? Am I really that shallow?
Why are things so different when we aren’t together? When we’re not in a relationship I miss her so damn much. We talk all the time. I know how her day is every day. Is it because you’re not commited? Do you want to commit? Kinda hard to commit to someone when you already know exactly when your relationship will end.
I wonder what she’s thinking. When we’re apart she probably thinks I’m that asshole who just wants to fuck with her mind, play with her heart and get in her pants. When we’re together I prove to be exactly what she expected; Shallow and selfish.
I don’t doubt that she loves me. For the life of me I cant figure out why. If I knew what I wanted she’d give it to me in a heartbeat.
Now that I think about it it, Maybe it is her. You’re so selfish you even want to hoard all of the blame. Typical. You always find a way to make it all about you. There’s that narcissism again, constantly rearing its ugly head.
What does she want? I mean what does she really what? Does she want me? Or does she want a boyfriend? I’ve come to the conclusion that she can’t have both because I can’t be both. I could be the dutiful, obedient, affectionate and thoughtful boyfriend that she wants but that wouldn’t be me. I’m not that person. It pains me to know that she’d love me more if I was more like someone else.
Don’t blame her. Nobody can love a monster.