Rabbit Food

Do you know what rabbits eat?

That’s right, it’s that green, leafy nutritious shit that comes out of the ground. And maybe a couple of carrots if Doc is around. Damn, it sucks to be the rabbit. Imagining never knowing the sweetness of a well cooked steak or juicy chicken leg. Thank God we’re human and don’t have to suffer the same dietary restrictions. We can eat whatever we like. Top of the food chain!

Please believe, this world is crazy. It turns out there are people out there who have chosen to live the way of the rabbit. Okay so some religions don’t allow the consumption of flesh (and religious people are crazy anyway) but there’s also people who’ve decided to shun meat completely for ‘personal reasons’. Ludicrous! They’re reasons? They say meat is murder. They say vegetables are healthy. But we know they’re hypocrites. We know they’re all pretenders. We see them eye-balling the T-bone steak on our plates while they pick round the quinoa on theirs. There’s all kinds of meat-free substitutes designed to taste and feel like meat but you’ll never see a sausage dressed up as lettuce.

Before we condemn our confused brethren to the loony bins, let’s play devil’s advocate and give their words some thought.
Lets start with their favorite phrase, ‘meat is murder’. Whichever way you slice it (all pun intended) an animal had to die for it to be placed on your plate. No argument here. Heck, they should be grateful the slaughterhouses were kind enough to kill them first.  My favorite cud chewers are the ones who are in it for their spiritual beliefs. These jokers believe that animals have personalities and even souls souls. They look  at each animal and see an indivual. Each one a unique view point for the universe experiencing itself. They see the subtle differences that make them unique and special and who they are. They know that animals feel pain. They understand that the existence of these beings has some kind of meaning beyond what we mere humans can comprehend.  You should see what passes for industry standards in slaughterhouses nowadays. I’ll leave out the details but you should know, it’s not pretty. They believe that when you eat meat you take this pain and suffering into your own body and make it a part of your being. You literally are what you eat and you have a choice in the matter. Do you want to be dead baby cow and bacon, or strawberries and apples?


This is where mindfullness comes into play. How often do people actually pause to think about exactly what is that they are eating? Here we have the mother of all rabbbit holes. Meat eaters can’t stand to think about slaughterhouse practices and even the strictest vegan feels guilty when thinking about food miles. Once you start thinking about how what you just ate actually came to be there, you can be forgiven for wanting to learn how to photosynthisize.

The moral dilemma of eating meat can be debated but the health issues can’t. Cheese burgers kill millions every year but there isn’t a doctor alive who’d advised his patient to eat fewer vegetables. Every form of nutrient that the human body needs for growth, repair and maintenance can be found in sufficient quantities in one plant or another.  Let’s be honest peeps, we don’t need meat. It just tastes good. But that kind of thinking explains how rat-poison came to be the best-selling artificial sweetener on the planet. “Would you like some neuro-toxin for your tea?”

Don’t know if this happens to anyone else but nothing quenches my thirst quite like water. In fact soda and packaged fruit juice sometime leave me even thirstier. My mum would always buy us that packaged fruit juice because my brother and I were so addicted, we literaly begged for it.  I remember I’d get cravings for the sugary goodness and I’d go all they way to the kitchen just to get a shot of fruit juice, which I’d literally started to take like shots of alcohol. So addicted were we that my brother would only drink water under duress.

And then there’s fast food. ‘Food’ from fast food joints does not decompose. Even bacteria won’t eat it because they know that there’s nothing good for them there. Each ‘pure beef’ patty is actually muscle, heart and stomach scrapings along with other random parts from over 1000 cows held together with the same stuff they use to make yoga mats. That sugar-free drink? The sugar alternative in them is synthesised goo made from the droppings of genetically engineered E.Coli. A typical junk food French fry is about 20% potato. Their milk shakes contain more cooking oil than milk.

I gotta tell you, the way of the rabbit is the way forward. In the years since I quit the sins of the flesh, I’ve seen a marked increase in my extra-sensory powers. That’s right, I can read your mind. But the full potential of my superpowers remains unrealised as I am too weak to give up on eggs. I maintain that meat is murder however I’m quite okay with abortion. Go figure.

Oh, and the shits I’ve been taking….even the trains at King’s Cross don’t run this smoothly.



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