Social situations are a bore. Why the hell would you want to spend a whole evening in a room full of strangers? Well, it’s usually because strangers are fun. Think of each nightclub like it’s an amusement park. Look closer and you’ll realise that the people are going round on the same rides all night long and their tracks twist and turn and intersect with others. These paths are predetermined except for those who know how to tweak the machine. Take this, my wisdom, and with it you can change your destiny.
- The entry. I’m still young, started raving young a few years before legal age and my least favourite part of any night was always that jackass at the door. You know him as the bouncer. We all have those friends who are younger and smaller than us who always make it past the gatekeeper, ID card or not. It’s all in the swagger. Get your swagger right the second you check in and the rest of your night will be golden.
- Give at least twice as many shots as you may ever hope to receive and you shall receive a whole lot more than shots. Game blogs will tell that buying drinks for random girls is a big no-no and they’re right, to an extent. Let’s be honest, going out is generally more expensive for girls than it is for guys and buying her a drink is a nice way to show your affection. Doesn’t mean she’ll give it up but you will make her smile and that’s priceless. Don’t forget about your boys though. Surprise your friend with a pint and on that one rave when you can feel your buzz going, he’ll appear out of nowhere with that drink that saves your night. But there is a counter to this rule. The rules of power tell us to despise the free meal, and with good reason. The only people who give without expecting anything in return are in convents, not nightclubs.
- Nightclubs are tight places so a certain amount of body contact is unavoidable. If you’re the kind of person to take advantage of these close quarters and let your fingers roam then there’s a good chance that your palm will land on the lower cheeks of a lady who isn’t having any of your disrespect and you’re about to get a slap. If you should so find yourself in this situation, I would suggest that you offer your right cheek. If you’re lucky, she’ll see the apology in your bloodshot eyes and take pity on your drunken stupidity. She knows she looks good and is hard to resist and may let it slide this time. However if she’s been having a bad day and no amount of puppy dog eyes will calm her down, then she’ll have to use her left hand to deliver the blow which is probably her weaker hand so it won’t hurt as much.
- Wrists don’t lie. Novices at reading the signs of the body spend all their time staring at the goodies not knowing that if you’re looking for a lover, pay attention to wrists and feet. Some people check in to a club with the sole intention of getting laid then go about harassing every woman in sight. They have forgotten that flirting is half the fun. Point your feet at that lover who makes your heart jump and let your bodies do the flirting. Talk as little as possible. The place is loud specifically because nobody wants to hear your voice.
- The DJ is not your friend. Okay that’s not true, he’s everybody’s friend. Unless he’s Deadmau5 in which case he’s nobody’s friend and you should consider yourself lucky that you get to see Mickey Mouse on the decks. The man is at work, goddamn it! Respect his grind and stop throwing requests at him. Throw him a few pills instead.
- No man left behind! The only place where it is acceptable to leave your drunk friend is in a ditch. Because it is impossible to fall out of a ditch. But first you have to make sure that he is in fact pass-out drunk and won’t be staggering around in a stupor. It’s always acceptable to draw dicks on your passed-out friend’s face. Bonus points if he doesn’t find out till he gets home.
- “I know a place, where everybody loves and everybody trusts, and that place is called the dance floor,” for some people the closest they will ever get to an orgy is the dance floor. You find all sorts in here. Nobody can hear you speak but what your body says cannot be missed. Lean how to read and transmit the right signals and you’ll get whatever you want, whether it’s a face full of someone else’s tongue, your own space to bust a move or maybe even just a wanting hand….
- The simplest and most sure fire way to go home with a girl is get to the club with a girl. It might not even be the same girl you leave with. Girls are always competing with each other and she’ll be happy to go home with a guy if only to one-up that other chick you checked in with. Get it in!
- Be nice to the help. They’ll never at admit but they’re here to have a good time too. Crack a joke with the bartender and slide her a shot, give the bouncer a nod on the way out and flash the waitress a toothy smile. Try this, and see if the level of service you receive doesn’t change for the better.
- Drugs are bad for you! Take them anyway. Know your poison and if you like multiple poisons know how to mix them to get you in the right frame of mind for the situation. You don’t want to be going to a nightclub high on something that turns you into an introspective buzzkill, like weed. Booze it up!
- Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? You are of course, which is why I’m that much more attractive to you when you can see your reflection in my eyes. If you see someone who interests you and you’d like to make an impression, subtly mirror their body language even though you’re all the way across the room. The person will start to believe you’re in sync and will be more open to your advances.
- Post up! Female energy, fluid and energetic, prefers to move about and ride the waves while male energy tends to be static and firm. Choose which one you want to be and act accordingly. Or switch back and forth for the best of both worlds. Your choice.
- Beware the woman in red. Some know her as the Femme Fatale and Jeb of the Maddaddamites calls her Ms. Direction. This girl will make you forget your name, your wife (your husband), your wallet and everything else you hold dear for those five minutes of extasy that you’ll experience whilst in her company. And you’ll only get five minutes because she’s in demand and she knows it.
- Follow the white rabbit. I can’t explain this one so you’re going to have to experience it for yourself. If you’re looking then you’ll know him when you see him and when you do, fear nothing for the fearful will never be able to keep up.
Now go out into the night my brethren, and fuck shit up.