Journeyman Reads Grey by E. L James

 

E.L.-James’-‘Grey’-Sells-1.1-Million-Copies

 

 

I can’t go into a bookstore anymore without seeing a title in this lady-porn series lined up at the optimum viewing level for anybody five feet tall. Keep in mind that most people five feet tall are too young to read this title but we’ll leave that to KFCB to worry about.

Since it’s so damn popular I feel obliged to read and review it. But while on the topic of popular books, has anyone read Andy Weir’s The Martian? It is a simple story about a guy who joined up with a crew that made the cardinal mistake of any space voyage/night out; leave no man behind.

While his crew made the guilt trip back across space to Earth, the poor guy was left on Mars trying to figure out how to grow potatoes in his own shit. Lucky for him, NASA insists that everyone that they send farther than the ionosphere has to have a certain quota of survival skills. This means that Weir’s character is a mechanical engineer as well as a botanist and just in case either of those skills prove useless he’s also a comedian so he can make the locals laugh in exchange for credits at the Martian McDonald’s.

Right, back to Grey. This series has been on shelves for years now but I never actually see anyone buy it, almost as if its fan base is afraid that if they pick it up then its place will be taken in a game of musical shelves by a more worthy title like Nemesis Games.

Speaking of, The Expanse series has been a revelation. I read all five novels, three novellas and two short stories in the time that it takes Theo Walcott to pick the right pass. How is it even possible that something this great has been around for so long without my knowledge? It’s got action, death and enough pace that putting it down is like decelerating from a 10G burn.

Oh shit, I’m supposed to be talking about Grey. Sorry about that. I’ve got the attention span of a teenager in strip-club.

So, Lee Child’s Make Me is about burly Jack Reacher who strolls into a small town with a weird name that nobody can explain where he finds out that some people are up to no good and sets out to serve them some justice. Wait, something about this sounds familiar. Oh yeah, it’s the same plot line as all 19 of the previous titles in this series. How many times can one guy bust up lawless operations before the bad-guys start to circulate his picture on their Bad-Guys Forever WhatsApp group? The picture should come with strict orders to shoot on sight and destroy every coffee bean within 50 miles.

Damnit, here I am going off topic again. Talking about Grey is harder than reading it. I bought the title, downloaded it and read a page or two before my eyes slid off the page with boredom. The same cannot be said for Scott Smith’s A Simple Plan. This is the guy who made his name by describing an ancient ruin with plants that grow inside people like cancer with chlorophyll.

I’ve always been the kind of reader who believes that authors should stick to their genres so if your first book is about plants that eat people then your next book should be about a day in the life of a venus fly-trap. Instead, he went and wrote about a trio of gentlemen who chance upon a big bag of money and butt heads over how best to use it without having to declare it on their tax returns. Looking back, they should have given it to charity. Ha! As if that was going to happen.

Oh no, I’m coming to the limit on my word count for this post and I’ve barely told you anything about Grey. Put simply, it is a story about a man who gets off on doing exactly what he’s been told not to do so he builds himself a dungeon and talks a naïve girl with a lady-boner for greenbacks into being his play-thing. The end.

Yahtzee!

 

 

Journeyman’s Rating: Read Grey then tell me how it was and save me the agony of having to read it myself.

 

 

NB- How is it that the movie version of this book was banned from Kenyan cinemas but the paperback is allowed on shelves? The people who make the ‘big decisions’ are clearly too dense to read and we should disregard the conclusions of anyone who does not respect the power of literature.

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One thought on “Journeyman Reads Grey by E. L James

  1. Sorry I didn’t read it either. I’m here cuz I like to hate-read reviewers and stuff trashing this poser tripe. 🙂
    (Though I must say your refusal to stay on it long enough to trash it was a distinctly unique way of trashing it!)

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